The thought of family mediation can be daunting. You’re facing big decisions, often under emotional strain, and there’s a common fear that you might agree to something you later regret – that dreaded “buyer’s remorse.” But what if you could take control of the process in a way that minimizes future regrets?
Mediation isn’t just about the final agreement; it’s about how you get there. By focusing on a few key strategies, you can ensure your voice is truly heard, your needs are genuinely considered, and your decisions feel solid and sustainable.
Here are five non-negotiable principles to empower you in mediation and stop regret before it starts.
1. Articulate Your ‘Why’ Before Your ‘What’
It’s natural to walk into mediation with a list of demands or preferred outcomes – your ‘what’. (“I want the children every other weekend,” or “I want the house sold within three months.”) But a far more powerful approach is to articulate the ‘why’ behind your ‘what’.
Example: Instead of just saying, “I need the children by 6 PM on weekdays,” explain, “I need the children by 6 PM so I have enough time to cook a healthy meal, help with homework, and ensure they have a calm evening routine.”
When you share your ‘why’, you open the door to finding creative solutions that meet your underlying needs, even if the initial ‘what’ changes. This makes the final agreement feel more considered and less like a compromise of a rigid position.
2. Fully Utilise the ‘Option Generation’ Phase
Often, the first reasonable proposal on the table feels like a relief, and there’s an urge to just agree to it to end the discomfort. Resist this urge. A skilled mediator will encourage ‘option generation’ – brainstorming multiple ways to resolve an issue.
Insist on exploring different scenarios for each key issue, whether it’s the parenting schedule, property division, or financial support. By actively participating in creating a range of options, you move beyond “yes or no” thinking. When you finally choose, it feels like a conscious selection from a menu of possibilities you helped create, rather than a forced concession.
3. Embrace the Power of the Expert Consultation
Mediation is a fantastic process for finding common ground, but your mediator cannot give you legal advice. One of the biggest drivers of post-agreement regret is the feeling of “I didn’t know enough” or “I should have checked that.”
Before finalising any agreement, we mediators always encourage you to consult independently with your solicitor, accountant, or financial advisor. This isn’t a sign of mistrust; it’s a smart, proactive step. Knowing that your proposed agreement has been vetted by an expert provides immense peace of mind and significantly reduces the chance of future legal or financial remorse.
4. Don't Dismiss Your Emotional Needs (But Channel Them Effectively)
Mediation is not therapy, and while emotions run high, effective negotiation requires a degree of separation from them. However, suppressing all emotional needs can lead to regret later if you feel unheard or disrespected.
Identify your core emotional needs – perhaps it’s a need to feel acknowledged, to understand the other person’s perspective, or to be treated with dignity. Ask your mediator how these needs can be addressed through the process. Can communication be structured in a way that feels safer? Can you have a moment to simply express a feeling without it becoming a negotiation point? Addressing the process, even if the outcome isn’t perfectly what you hoped, can significantly reduce emotional regret.
5. Prioritise ‘Sustainable’ Over ‘Perfect’
The perfect agreement doesn’t exist, and chasing it is a recipe for disappointment and regret. Your goal in mediation should be to reach an agreement that is fair, practical, and sustainable for all involved, especially your children, in the long term.
Focus on creating an agreement that you genuinely believe you can live with, not just for the next few weeks, but for the next few years. Ask yourself: “Will this agreement still work when circumstances change slightly?” By aiming for sustainability, you build resilience into your decisions, making them far less susceptible to the creeping feeling of buyer’s remorse down the line.
By adopting these five non-negotiables, you can approach mediation with confidence, knowing you’re actively shaping an outcome you can stand by, free from the shadow of future regret.